I feel like I don’t know how to clear my head this way anymore. It felt like words about anything and everything just flowed out. Maybe I’m not bored enough anymore, maybe it’s yet to come back to me. But I miss it, miss it a lot actually.
I keep thinking that I get such cool ideas late at night, just before falling asleep. Trouble is that by that time, especially in the summer when the hubs needs the AC on cold at night, I really, really, really don’t want to leave my warm bed. And so, I lay there, thinking about my idea(s) hoping that they will come back to me. If I am to believe Elizabeth Gilbert and what she wrote in Big Magic, ideas only stay so long as they are welcomed, as long as you are actively (in some way) working on birthing them into our reality. Maybe my ideas don’t stay because I don’t follow through, IDK. I hope they do.
I think I’ve been feeling especially glum about writing of late. I can’t follow through on journaling and I keep losing clarity nearly every time I have scheduled time for writing. It’s like that with art too, I schedule time but either I don’t honor it or I don’t have any good ideas. If I leave it to chance I will get around to it but it’s pretty stop and go...with stops lasting months sometimes.
As I write this there is an art piece that's been sitting on my art board, on my desk, for months now (you might recognize it…). All I need to do is get a layer (or two) of the fixative on it before I paint some stars. Thing is that that “simple” step has been sitting in my to do list for months. At first my excuse was the weather (it was winter in OR, really wet, and really not conducive to using a horrible and bad for you smelling fixative). Then I gave up with excuses and just forgot about it...even though it was sitting right there, on my desk, where I see it every day and most of the day because I’m working from home.
Things have a way of becoming background to everything else if they sit long enough.
But I am also afraid. Afraid that the fixative won't be good anymore. That by fixing the chalk pastel that I’ll ruin a beautiful (but unfinished) original piece.
Ugh, I’m apparently letting my fear dictate what I am and am not doing with my art again. It’s so much easier to see now that I’ve written it down. Floating in my head it can just sit there unacknowledged and safe. When it’s shown in the light of day (or, really, words) it cannot go undetected.
I think I need to promise myself that I’ll go test that fixative tonight and if it’s working get that piece of art moving onward towards its destination again.
Ok, I’m off to do it. I’m gonna just do it!
Aaand done. It’s funny how such simple things can take the longest to get around to because of the things surrounding it. I definitely have been missing my ability to just push ahead to get certain things done. Looks like it’s making a reappearance, at least.
Sadly I won’t finish my artwork tonight, the fixative needs to sit for at least an hour and I gave it a good fixing, so I’ll just wait til tomorrow or the weekend. Just stars to go though, I think. But it is a step in the right direction. Hopefully it won’t take months to finish the last step.
What are you avoiding because it seems more complicated than it really might be, or because you're afraid of the process/outcome? Maybe think about it? For me?? You’ve got this!
—A Recovering Design Imposter